On Being "Good for a Girl" and Internalized Patriarchy
By Marge Strong
Assistant Coach at Michigan State University and Niles North High School
In my novice year, I was pretty good at debate. Well, I was fast and knew when people dropped arguments, which is about as close to good as a novice can be. My partner and I made it to the semifinals of the IL state tournament. Despite this success, my coach suggested I be double ones for the upcoming year. I was upset, and so were the other three girls asked to be double ones.
For those unaware, being pushed into double ones is incredibly insulting and demoralizing. After one year of debate, I was told that not only am I not good enough to be in charge of the aff or neg now, they didn’t expect me to improve enough to be in charge of either side at any point in the future. In an activity centered around academic rigor, I was told I would never be able to keep up. It hurt.
In my sophomore year, I refused to be relegated to double ones, so my coach agreed that maybe I could handle being a 2A. The other girls were less lucky and eventually quit. I was told they didn’t have it, but maybe I did.
It’s worth noting the way that girls are coded as 2As because of great organization, lack of 2N spirit, or other ways of saying we think you aren’t as strong, really sucks. I think the 2A position was right for me (because I prefer to know everything about one topic instead of being a jack of all trades) but there should be more variance in the speaker position of girls. There is nothing biologically that makes women likely to be 2As, we just condition women to be the speaker position we have arbitrarily deemed less than.
In my junior year, I was allowed to be on the top team and travel nationally. It was shockingly obvious that I was the only girl who traveled on the team. Nights in the hotel were lonely, conversations in the van were what you would expect, and looking out at the tournaments, there weren’t many other girls. It made us all the easier to compare. I wasn’t like them; I was told I was “different” than other girls in debate. I was like one of the guys. Almost.
I don’t know how much of those experiences resonated with you, but throughout my debate career, I was constantly compared to other girls in debate or told I was good for a girl. I was less docile, more assertive; less whiney, more policy; less of a wet blanket, more of a guy’s girl… Those “compliments” really hurt over time.
Some of you might be thinking that no one says “good for a girl” anymore. You are wrong. People do say it, and nowadays there are other ways to indicate you think someone is only good for a girl without literally saying it:
- “Girl boss”, or any compliment preceded by girl
- “It’s cool that you know so much about (insert stereotypically dude activity like sports, or obvious part of the topic that anyone would know about)”
- “I love how you always take the lead on (insert emotional labor/party planning/food scheduling/etc.)”
- “You are just like one of the guys”
- “You aren’t like other girls”
- “You’ve got balls” (or other typically male genitalia)
- Complimenting women for being sassy, feisty, or any other quality that would be called assertive on a man
Telling someone they are good for a girl caps their success. No one wants to be the best girl; they want to be the best, period. When I was debating, I would win over 75% of my debates. The statistics are about the same across gender lines because gender doesn’t determine skill. And yet when you say I’m good for a girl, I know you think every man is better than me, merely for identifying as one.
Similarly, the label good for a girl establishes good women and bad women. We commend women that speak a certain way, cx a certain way, make certain arguments, and generally just debate in a certain way that happens to mimic the mainstream style of cis white men. To be complimented on the things that make me as you hurts. To say that you only see quality in your own set of skills hurts. In your compliments, I can read between the lines that you hate high tone reading, think women are docile, and every other sexist thought in debate.
The establishment of good and bad girls can be really damaging. For some, it causes isolation and eventually, they quit. Others internalize the hate and work to prove they are good girls. I know I did. I was “one of the guys,” but I wasn’t myself. Rather than contest the ideology of those around me, I did the easy(er) work of fitting in. Sadly, that meant being complicit, or even an active part of, putting down others in debate. I really, really, really, really regret that. As I entered college and grew older, I realized that along with hurting others, I was hurting myself. Every time I let someone be insulted, a part of me got smaller. Frequently I would see my qualities in the person being put down. So by not standing up for others, I wasn’t standing up for myself. Now I make it a point to uplift those around me, no matter how different they do things from me. I challenge you all to do the same. After all, there is no point in blazing a trail if you scorch everyone that tries to follow.